I have been dreading writing this post. Like, really dreading it. I thought about doing this on video because I had so much to say, but I decided instead to just make it brief and spit out the news without a wordy, long-winded explanation (I will most likely fail on the “wordy” part).
On January 3, I woke up and wrote an email to my entire teacher training class telling them that I wouldn’t be coming back. It’s the hardest job-related decision that I’ve ever had to make… and personally, it made me so incredibly sad.
This round of teacher training has been particularly hard on my family. Summer is still so small (and still nursing), and my 13-year-old Winona has been giving up at least one night a week and all day every Saturday to watch her with Justin. My dad’s illness, after-school activities, my growing business… it’s been crazy in my house. My already strained schedule has been completely overloaded and I find myself overwhelmed a lot of days, sometimes enough to drive me to tears. The deciding factor was when I mapped the drive from my new house to the studio and saw that it would be at least a 60-90 minute drive each way to class. There’s just no way I can take that much time away from my family right now. One of the things I love most about what I do for a living is that it allows be to be an “at-home” mom.
The most amazing and immediate change from this decision happened the second I hit the “send” button on the email. Just knowing that I would be home that night to make dinner, do laundry, help with homework and just hangout with my family made me feel so light and happy. The six of us played a game together before bed (well, Summer just tried to eat the pieces). It was perfect.
And something else happened that I didn’t expect. I immediately wanted to do LOTS of yoga. Just a week earlier I was dreading every drive to class (even though I would always get so happy and excited when I finally walked into the studio). I feel like now I have the opportunity to practice in a way that doesn’t carry so much weight and responsibility. I wanted so badly to be a stellar student, but I found myself with no time to do the reading, rushing through my assignments, walking in late to class time after time. I was giving everything so much effort, but falling short of what I knew I would be capable of if I only had more time to focus.
I love yoga. Over the past couple years, it has become the basis for everything I do – the way I exercise, how I run my business, and even how I build relationships with my online family – you guys!! Yoga is all things, so everything I do is touched by my yoga practice.
My plans for the new house include an in-home studio where I will train clients again and teach small yoga classes… maybe even host bootcamps on the property. And I haven’t abandoned my plans to get my Yoga Alliance certification. I’ll re-apply for another course in the next year when the baby is bigger and we’re settled in our new home.
More than a few people have commented that all these months and money spent have been a waste. If you’ve read my teacher training blogs, you’ll see for yourself how much I’ve learned and how profoundly this training has changed my outlook on EVERYTHING. I’ve gained so much more than I could have imagined – a teacher who I respect and admire, new friends, insights into myself, a meditation practice… the list could go on for days. It has been one of the most gratifying experiences of my life.
It was so hard for me to share this decision with all of you because of the huge responsibility I feel to be a person that you can look to for motivation (and hopefully a little inspiration). It was made with a heavy heart, and believe it or not, with all of you in mind.
But don’t misunderstand… I still believe I can do it all. Just not all at once ;)
I love you all. Thank you for supporting me always. Namaste.