I’m a big note-taker. I’m constantly scribbling during teacher training, trying to journal every bit of what I’m learning. Before I write this blog, I review my notes for the week to see what we studied and if anything stands out. Yesterday, I went up into handstand and forearm stand (with the wall, of course) for the first time ever. That was a big moment. It was not only a huge step in my physical practice, but a giant leap in my facing-my-fears-spiritual practice.
But can you ever really un-link the physical from the spiritual in yoga? Turns out, yes you can… which leads me to the BIGGER moment that happened this week. It started before I got to class…
I cried all the way to yoga yesterday – like, ugly cried.
My blog is personal and I share a lot about my day-to-day, but I always try to focus on the positive. No one has a perfect life – that’s just a silly thing to think. My practice is to seek ways to deal with adversity in my life that bring about growth and learning. Over the past several years, I’ve been on the fast-track to self-improvement and reflection, and it is awesome! But I have some stuff going on.
The dad that raised me (not my biological father) is very sick with cancer and kidney disease. He’ll probably be leaving us soon. I’ve never had a very close relationship with him for many reasons, so you can imagine that this is a strange “thing” for me to deal with. He’s kind of been the father that was there-but-not-there, so I’m having trouble being there for him right now. I’ve experienced a lot of emotional abuse and neglect, and that has informed both my good and bad decisions over the years. Watching him deal with this illness has been very confusing and heart-wrenching experience, and he needs a LOT of help from me and my family. Then there’s kids turning into teenagers, money, work, other family issues… I go through all the same stuff everyone does. Life is beautiful and tough. But lately – for me – it’s been really tough.
Yoga helps me with all of this.
I found this note that I wrote to myself in one of our required reading texts, The Inner Tradition of Yoga by Michael Stone:
“I’ve become so busy – outside of myself –
that I’ve lost all awareness of pain –
leaving me prone to injury –
both physical and emotional …
examine the benefits of mediation
in regard to bringing more awareness to self –
preventing injury.”
I wrote this note after my teacher shared a short anecdote about another anonymous student she once taught. It was a man who was so aggressive in his practice and lifestyle that it seemed that he was opening himself up to frequent injury. I could relate.
I’m not going to rattle on about this revelation… I think it speaks for itself. In being so busy and so aggressive about success and moving forward and getting things done, I’ve forgotten to take the time to look inward, to protect myself from injury, to “get out of the way of the punch in the face” as a fellow student, “L”, offered up. I’m looking forward to a new, revived practice that focuses on making meditation a part of my day (I’m going to put a meditation spot in my new barn! Yay!). I’m going to re-focus my efforts to let my asana influence my spirit and my spirit influence my asana.
Robot Bex, be gone! Feeling Rebekah, come back! Back to my roots. Reset.
Another little no-duh revelation is how my feelings toward and use of sanskrit and my feelings toward and use of inversions are so closely related (this can be applied to so many aspects of my life)… First I was afraid, so I hated it. Then as I became familiar with it, I loved it. With every action (or non-action), ask what your motivation is. Is it fear or is it love? Examine, then act with love and reject fear.
This is probably the most personal I’ll ever get with a blog, so don’t get used it! As always, I’m honored that anyone would read this and I’m grateful for this platform that serves as such a wonderful exchange of co-inspiration. (That’s a pretty way of asking you to comment below! xo)
PS – Ugly cries aren’t always the worst thing in the world. They release a butt-load of physical stress and they make your mom buy you gorgeous handmade gifts (check out my platter from a local artist) and bake you homemade cookies.