Something very weird happened teacher training this week. It started off great – ahimsa week went off without a hitch (“without a hitch” means that I, in trying to be aware of how I may do harm in the world, became hyper-aware of how belligerent my thoughts can be toward grocery store clerks and people walking slowly in parking lots. note to self: chill the f**k out) I embraced a new, more intentional vegetarian diet (which may or may not last, but doing great so far). I also wrote my paper on “What Is Yoga?” and shed most of my anxiety about getting critiqued in class (I’m sensitive, you know). Everything was dandy.
Blah, blah, blah, enter the shit storm of emotion. I got to class yesterday, feeling awesome. There was a street fair in the neighborhood (I HATE street fairs, but that’s a story for another day) that forced me to park about a 3/4 mile away and walk to class – no biggie, I was early. The walk felt good, I was ready for class, this was the best day ever. Our teacher collected tuition, our papers, our thoughts on ahimsa week – all good. Then we got into this week’s theme: satya. Truth. I listened to my classmates talk about their issues with speaking up for themselves, being honest in relationships, and so on, and I sat there completely anxious and freaking out in my head about something I couldn’t put my finger on… and then, I lost it! I cried! All of a sudden, an issue that’s been torturing me for months bubbled to the surface, and I cried in front of virtual strangers. To say that I’m a twice-a-year crier is no exaggeration. I don’t cry. I find it so gross. (Maybe this is an issue I should look into…)
This sent me on a crazy roller-coaster-ride of a day, which ended with me home, completely emotionally exhausted and dreading the thought of having to write about it in my Sunday T.O.Y. blog. So I did what I do – I made a video. In bed.